Suicidal thoughts My experience

Personally, I have at times struggled to talk about a point in my life when I wanted to end my life. But now I talk about my experience to help others understand theirs this is a topic that deserves discussion to the wider community and I know from my experience with friends with depression anxiety and my experience with suicidal thoughts that it is different for everyone.

For example, I like many others always thought that suicidal thoughts were a symptom, not an issue that you could develop separately this was until I turned 16. This was a rough time my GCSE grades were considerably worse than I hoped, my mum had COPD (an incurable lung condition) and her condition was worsening since my father had been submitted to hospital with a very rare condition and was facing being put in a medical coma for 6-12 months.

I felt as though I was a burden as though everything was my fault, but more than that I felt utterly alone. I would go to town and see friends and they would ask how's your father doing how is your mother doing and this made me feel as though no one even saw me.

I would come home and just sit at the edge of my bed doing nothing not thinking just feeling as though I was on a window ledge looking down at family and friends, I would call to them but no one heard, as the days went by the ledge got narrower and the world became darker and darker. so, I eventually gave up.

I even planned how I was going to end my life and was about to go through with it when my phone vibrated, and it was just a simple text saying "I heard you had to go hospital today how did it go? ps how are you doing?".

It was so strange how I must have read that text for like 20 minutes over and over. it was so unexplainable it felt as though as that proverbial ledge crumbled away and I began to fall she caught my hand and pulled me in the window and walked me down the staircase and outside to re-join my family and friends with one 4-word sentence.

As a scientist, I always use a science analogy. I felt as though the universe was caving in that there was nothing but blackness like I was falling into a black hole, constantly falling toward the event horizon the point of no return and she stopped the fall.

Or so I thought for 2 years I was fine I even started dating that friend who inadvertently saved my life, I was happy and healthy I felt fine but when I came to university things changed. I was over working myself I was constantly tired not eating or sleeping properly (of course I didn’t know that at the time).

It was in the beginning of the second semester of my first year after I had heard that my friend, now my ex, was in a new relationship I really at first didn’t think much of it had been well over 12 months since we ended it was history, however, over a couple days I felt that suffocating feeling, the darkness closing in on me.

but this time, this relapse was different my family was healthy and I wasn’t secluded in my house on a summer break something else was causing this, but what? Was it the forgotten feelings for her was it the idea that she didn’t stop my fall but was preventing it and without her I would surely fall?

However, I was with my friends and one conversation really clicked with me, I was concerned I wasn’t going to get all my work done but he said “you are not going to get anything done if you burn the candle at both ends, go sleep early and wake up refreshed eat something then go do work” I tried it and he was right.

From him I learned that it was important to look after myself, it was alright to watch some TV or go have a drink with some mates that I needed to stop blaming myself for events I can’t control and enjoy my life, I was too hard on myself and wasn’t taking care of myself and once I started I felt better.

Looking back, it feels as though I was making something from nothing, Whenever I told this story the first question is why? that is a question I have asked myself for 4 years is why? What caused this? And as a scientist I am so used for everything having an explanation and that is something that I gathered from my experience was that somethings can’t be explained.

I learnt that Mental Health It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

The reason for me feeling the way I did in both instances, was and is a mystery to me, I can say it was my epilepsy medication I could say it was me not taking care of myself or my family being ill or a combination but that doesn’t change the fact that I will never know why I wanted to end my life but what I do know is that I didn’t end my life.

I know sometimes it’s hard to articulate a meaning in a story or an experience but these quotes do it well:

“I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.” - Charles R. Swindoll

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.”- Jim Morrison

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add colour to my sunset sky”. -Rabindranath Tagore

The balance between the physical, mental and social is important and focusing on one or two upsets said balance, that while work is important so is having friends while friends are important so is family and having a relationship and while that’s great so is alone time.

I have said before its different for everyone, I made it through my experience mostly due to my friends, people who mended me without knowing something was wrong, people who caught me when they didn’t know I was falling who are always there when my family can’t be I can’t thank them enough but not everyone feels as though they have that so I hope everyone who reads this takes one thing away “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted”. – Aesop if you want to help someone just be a friend, trust me it goes along way.